Me and Chairman Mao

Naked Snow Maidens!

Yes, it's my weekly provocative but totally misleading post title. See, for example, previous posts like Lesbian Hackers!, which only marginally touched on either of those subjects. (Insert your own joke about "touching" here.) (Follow that up by inserting one about "inserting" if you are feeling particularly amusing today, or if you've already started your weekend drinking.)

The good news is that this post does actually deal with naked snow maidens. And it includes pictures. The bad news is that said maidens are actually MADE out of snow. (Although I suppose Frosty the Snowman is probably really, REALLY excited right about now ...)

Anyway, another day, another photographic illustration of something from my stories that seems a little too bizarre to be true. Like the sculptures at the Harbin Snow & Ice festival, as described in "Fowl Play""

... or the titanic figure of Apollo majestically astride his chariot, surrounded by bare-breasted maidens, that made the baby-draped dragon look like a doorstop. And sure, it sounds like a strange subject for a sculpture, but it makes sense to me. After all, if you must be surrounded by maidens, I firmly believe that bare-breasted ones are the only way to go. It just makes sense.

And the photographic evidence--in two pictures, sadly, since the entire thing was too big to get in one shot. (Is it officially lame now to add "that's what she said!" onto things. I think so, but if not, start laughing.)

A Very VERY Merry Christmas.

One of the questions I get asked a lot of is how "true" my book is--how much of what I write really happened. Like I said in the beginning, it ALL really happened. (I'm not James Frey, people!)

Take this example, from the "A Christmas Story" chapter:

Another good example could be found in one of the city's most upscale malls, which had a massive two-story fake Christmas tree in its central rotunda. At first glance, it seemed fairly standard — green, check; oversized red star on top, check — until you moved in for a closer look and realized that the entire thing was made out of Heineken bottles, which would make for a very merry Christmas if nothing else, although the next morning would be a bitch.

Sound too bizarre to be true? It was--really, I'm not sure I could even make that up--and I have the pictures to prove it:

And a bit closer look:

I'll add more pictures in next few months--you do all want to see a tiger eating the chicken I bought, don't you? I thought so ...

Amazon Action.

Two amusing things have recently happened with Amazon. The website, not the big-ass South American river. Although I would wager, since it's like 4,200 miles long or so, two--or more!--amusing things have happened on the actual Amazon as well. Along with all the depressing stuff like deforestation and assimilating / just plain killing off all the indigenous people.

But back to me. And Amazon. The site.

First, I got a royalty check for the Kindle sales of my book. I won't say how much it is (less than 6 figures--by four or so figures), but it was enough to pick up an overpriced six-pack of imported beer at the mini-mart down the street and a Lottery ticket. (I didn't win. What are the odds?) I expect a similarly massive royalty check .... eventually, I guess. Either way, you can be sure I'll let you know.

Second, I got an author page. (For real--you can see it here.) With pictures. Of me! If you care. And based on past experience, you probably don't--pictures of me haven't historically been in high demand. (Unlike, of course, the Kindle version of my book.) In fact, if I set it all up right, you can read this post there in less than 24 hours! Which, admittedly, is a cable-company like estimate, but it's what Amazon gave me. We'll see.

Or maybe YOU'LL see. Or maybe you already have. Or maybe you only saw it on Amazon in the first place.

Either way, you'll be seeing more soon.

PS: From me. Duh.

Of Stats and Lesbians.

Just to follow-up on my last post--and find an excuse to use the word "lesbians again (see below)--I thought I'd let you know how my prediction turned out. For those that don't check first thing every day to see if I have uploaded my blog (e.g., any of you reading this), my prediction was as follows:

First, a prediction: that post title will get me more page views than anything else I have posted on here, to date.

More page views than anything I have posted ever? Not quite. More than five times the page views of the post right before it? Yes.

I'd say I'm surprised, except I'm not ...

PS: Lesbians! Lesbians! Lesbians!

Lesbian Hackers!

First, a prediction: that post title will get me more page views than anything else I have posted on here, to date.

Now, the post. (Exciting, I know!) I was looking at my Amazon stats, and I noticed that my digital book sales for the Kindle have now passed the forty mark! Rocketed past, even. (If you consider 42 rocketing. Normally, I wouldn't, but in this case I'll make an exception.) If any of you out there reading this have bought the book, thanks! I still find it pretty crazy that anyone would stumble upon my book and buy it, but it has happened two-score-and-some-change times as of now.

(Side note: now that you have read it, feel free to give it a 5-star review on Amazon. Or at least 4 stars. No less than 3 stars, at least. Seriously. It's 99 cents--it's not worth 3 stars at least?)

Of course, that all sounds great, but I just read that Stieg Larsson's latest--The Girl Who Played With Fire--is apparently selling 400,000 Kindle copies a week. Or, to put it another way, at a rate that is roughly one million times faster than my book. (Well, one million give or--more likely--take a zero or two, but I was an English major so I try to avoid math whenever possible.)

Either way, when you think about it, that is pretty crazy. I mean, who would have ever thought that a series of book starring a lesbian computer hacker (well, bisexual, but I don't want to label her) and an older, overweight journalist who seems to be able to sleep with any woman he happens to meet, regardless of age, profession, marital status, or perceived hotness, would be a hit?

Oh, wait. Never mind ...

Quarter, past.

As I have, no doubt, mentioned numerous times, my book is currently available for purchase on the Amazon Kindle--find it RIGHT HERE!--for the very reasonable price of 99 cents. (Which, as I have also mentioned, is the lowest amount you can sell it for.)

Anyway, I looked the other day, and I noticed the total number of books sold is up to ... 27! Which I know isn't very much, but I still find it a little surprising--that people randomly come along and pay .99 cents for my book based on what is, apparently, my completely awesome description. Someday, once I finish doing more annoying things (that is, paying my taxes) I still plan a mind-blowing advertising campaign that should at least .... double that, I guess. Maybe. Or I guess we'll see.

In the meantime, if you have read it, feel free to give it a five-star review ....

Double-Time. At least.

This is old, but cool--I meant to post it earlier, but just found it in my big "Folder o' Links" that I occasionally dig through. It's a sped-up version of the big parade through Tienanmen Square on the 60th National Day, AKA October 1, AKA the Fourth of July for China. But, you know, with less fireworks. And more tanks. Oh so many more tanks:

NOTE: Embedding is turned off, so you'll have to go the the actual site to watch it. Which you should. After  you finish looking at every post on this site, of course.

I always wanted to go like something like this when I was in China, since it's not the sort of thing you see much in the States. Or, you know, ever, really. (I think the Blue Angels are the closest?) Sadly, one never took place when I was there, so I will just have to live through this one. Very sad for me.

Of course, I also wanted to go see the flag raising in the morning in Tienanmen Square, which happens pretty much every single day, and I never got to see that either. I feel like that might be more "my" fault. But it's just that, you know, the flag is raised sooooo very early. Like 6 AM or so. Of course, now that I have two kids, I think anything after 6 AM is late.

Somehow, that is all very ironic. I think.

Suck It, Glenn Beck!

As I mentioned a while ago, I converted my book to Kindle format and threw it up on Amazon for 99 cents. (I'd put it up there for free, but they won't let you.) I didn't really tell anyone about it--word of mouth marketing at its best!--but the other day I realized that people were actually buying it. Can you believe it? (Seriously, I only sort of do.)

Lo and behold, at one point, I was up to the #23 slot in Humor > Essays, putting me one slot ahead of Glenn Beck. Take that, Glenn! Also, I am way funnier than you. (But not way funnier than PJ O'Rourke at #25. He writes some funny shit.)

Anyway, here is the proof! Just imagine what my sales will do when I actually get around to telling people they can buy it. Astronomical, obviously. Michael Ian Black, I'm coming for you!

Ta-Da!

At long, long last, everything has been updated: you can download the FINAL final versions or free or buy them (even for the Kindle) if you have a lot of money to burn. And really, these days, who doesn't?

Now all that's left is the sure-to-be-massive advertising blitz. I'll let you know when I figure out what that entails, exactly ....

Same-Same, But Different

As in, my blog: the same, but different.

Yes, the redesign is complete! I'm sure all six of you who stumble upon this will be quite impressed with my design chops. And no training, if you can believe that! (I suspect you can.)

Anyway, if you care enough, let me know what you think. Or even if you don't, just pretend you do and let me know anyway.

The book has been submitted for distribution, so the Amazon link should go live sometime relatively soon. You'll know you can buy it on Amazon when you start seeing it on TV as part of my well-thought out global marketing campaign. Assuming, of course, that someone else is willing to organize, plan, and pay for said campaign. I'll let you know if I find any volunteers ...