Me and Chairman Mao

It's Christmas Time All Over the Word ...

Even at McDonald's! In China!

Everytime I look at this photo, I have the same thought. I have modified said photo in such a way as to give you a good idea of what that thought is:

Amazon Action.

Two amusing things have recently happened with Amazon. The website, not the big-ass South American river. Although I would wager, since it's like 4,200 miles long or so, two--or more!--amusing things have happened on the actual Amazon as well. Along with all the depressing stuff like deforestation and assimilating / just plain killing off all the indigenous people.

But back to me. And Amazon. The site.

First, I got a royalty check for the Kindle sales of my book. I won't say how much it is (less than 6 figures--by four or so figures), but it was enough to pick up an overpriced six-pack of imported beer at the mini-mart down the street and a Lottery ticket. (I didn't win. What are the odds?) I expect a similarly massive royalty check .... eventually, I guess. Either way, you can be sure I'll let you know.

Second, I got an author page. (For real--you can see it here.) With pictures. Of me! If you care. And based on past experience, you probably don't--pictures of me haven't historically been in high demand. (Unlike, of course, the Kindle version of my book.) In fact, if I set it all up right, you can read this post there in less than 24 hours! Which, admittedly, is a cable-company like estimate, but it's what Amazon gave me. We'll see.

Or maybe YOU'LL see. Or maybe you already have. Or maybe you only saw it on Amazon in the first place.

Either way, you'll be seeing more soon.

PS: From me. Duh.

Of Stats and Lesbians.

Just to follow-up on my last post--and find an excuse to use the word "lesbians again (see below)--I thought I'd let you know how my prediction turned out. For those that don't check first thing every day to see if I have uploaded my blog (e.g., any of you reading this), my prediction was as follows:

First, a prediction: that post title will get me more page views than anything else I have posted on here, to date.

More page views than anything I have posted ever? Not quite. More than five times the page views of the post right before it? Yes.

I'd say I'm surprised, except I'm not ...

PS: Lesbians! Lesbians! Lesbians!

Double-Time. At least.

This is old, but cool--I meant to post it earlier, but just found it in my big "Folder o' Links" that I occasionally dig through. It's a sped-up version of the big parade through Tienanmen Square on the 60th National Day, AKA October 1, AKA the Fourth of July for China. But, you know, with less fireworks. And more tanks. Oh so many more tanks:

NOTE: Embedding is turned off, so you'll have to go the the actual site to watch it. Which you should. After  you finish looking at every post on this site, of course.

I always wanted to go like something like this when I was in China, since it's not the sort of thing you see much in the States. Or, you know, ever, really. (I think the Blue Angels are the closest?) Sadly, one never took place when I was there, so I will just have to live through this one. Very sad for me.

Of course, I also wanted to go see the flag raising in the morning in Tienanmen Square, which happens pretty much every single day, and I never got to see that either. I feel like that might be more "my" fault. But it's just that, you know, the flag is raised sooooo very early. Like 6 AM or so. Of course, now that I have two kids, I think anything after 6 AM is late.

Somehow, that is all very ironic. I think.

Suck It, Glenn Beck!

As I mentioned a while ago, I converted my book to Kindle format and threw it up on Amazon for 99 cents. (I'd put it up there for free, but they won't let you.) I didn't really tell anyone about it--word of mouth marketing at its best!--but the other day I realized that people were actually buying it. Can you believe it? (Seriously, I only sort of do.)

Lo and behold, at one point, I was up to the #23 slot in Humor > Essays, putting me one slot ahead of Glenn Beck. Take that, Glenn! Also, I am way funnier than you. (But not way funnier than PJ O'Rourke at #25. He writes some funny shit.)

Anyway, here is the proof! Just imagine what my sales will do when I actually get around to telling people they can buy it. Astronomical, obviously. Michael Ian Black, I'm coming for you!

Obama + Mao = Obamao!

I thought this was pretty funny, since our new President-Elect is clearlya socialist, a Marxist, a terrorist, or some combination of the three. I mean, Sarah Palin wouldn't lie, would she? Actually, I don't think she would, because in order to lie about something like that she'd actually have to understand what she was talking about. DING!

 

(I have no idea where this originally came from, other than that it's from someone called "PhilDragoo.")

But this did get me thinking: Could Obamao maybe get rid of Palin, maybe go Taiwan-style and just kind of cut off Alaska from the rest of the country? (I know that's the reverse of how it happened in China, but I'm trying to make a point. Or at least a post, which is close enough.) Anyway, I know it sounds good at first, but as far as I can tell there are exactly three problems with this. Yes, only three. They are:

1. We need the oil/gas we get from Alaska, and kicking Alaska out of the Union would only increase our reliance on foreign oil, which we all know is a bad thing. Because, you know, increasing our reliance on domestic oil is totally cool and okay.
2. With no Alaska, where would all the people that are too crazy for Montana move to?
3. It might--and this is the most important one--mess with the filming of the next season of Deadliest Catch--since I just assume that filming in a foreign country/foreign waters is more difficult and/or complicated than filming in the good old US of A's waters. Probably. I'm not really sure this applies, but it's not a chance I'm willing to take.

That being the case, I guess we'll have to live with things as they are for the time being, but check back with me in 2012 ...

Chasing the Dragon: Mysterious Beijing.

I just watched this (kind of old) segment from the Daily Show on the Beijing Olympics. Or rather, about one of the Daily Showcorrespondents attempting to "unlock the secrets" of Beijing. It sort of reminded me of my life there. If my life had consisted of being filmed round-the-clock for a popular, award-winning news show instead of just wondering around by myself wondering "What the hell just happened?" most of the time ...

Anyway, it's funny:

 

My favorite line: "It's a good wall, as far as wall's go. I don't know if I'd call it great."

Like Falling into the Tiger's Mouth ...

Believe it or not--and I don't know why you wouldn't, since I don't have any reason to lie to you (yet)--but, despite the title of this post, it does not actually have anything to do with my HILARIOUS essay Fowl Play, about feeding chickens to tigers, which you can find here among other places. Just, you know, as an FYI ...

No, it is about another piece of literature all together, one which is even funnier, if that is at all possible. (I may be biased, but I'm not sure that it is. Seriously.) It's about the Olympic Health Handbook, distributed as part of the Olympics, which apparently just happened. In China. Who knew? Anyway, some friends brought one back from said event (was it on TV at all? I didn't notice), and--while I haven't had a chance to look at it yet--they did pass on this little nugget of wisdom about electric safety. To wit:

With the popularity of electrical appliances, electricity safely has become an important issue. Accidental electric shock is like falling into the tiger’s mouth. You need skill to escape.

How true that is. I mean, when I think of electric shock, I definitely think of falling into a tiger's mouth. Let's see: frizzy hair and mild tingling, shredded flesh and massive blood loss. Yeah, that's pretty much the same thing ...

Beginnings.

If a page is created on the Internet and nobody knows it, is it still there?

If a page is created on the Internet and nobody knows it, does it matter?

If a page is created on the Internet and Google hasn't noticed it, can anyone find it?

If a page is created on the Internet and Google hasn't noticed it so nobody can find it, is it still there?

(Note: Find out how long it takes Google to notice pages.)

If a page is created on the Internet and Google has noticed it but no one else has, is it still there?

If a page is created on the Internet and Google knows it's there ....

Never mind.

First post!